That’s My Friend You’re Talking About

When I hear the term self-care, I usually think about actions. Rest. Boundaries. Saying no. Doing things that refill the tank(for me, this generally means a spa).

What I had not really considered until recently, especially in times of stress and uncertainty, was how I speak to myself.

A few months ago, I was chatting with a friend and relaying a situation I felt I should have handled better. I was venting, frustrated, saying things like, “I should have known. I could have done better. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot.”

My friend interrupted me abruptly me and said, “Hey. That’s my friend you’re talking about, and I’m not okay with you speaking to her like that.”

I was stunned. My first reaction was to brush it off. It’s fine, I thought. I’m talking about myself. But I was humbled. She was right.

What really landed was not the realization that I was being hard on myself. It was how normal it felt. I would never speak to another person that way, yet I seem to default to it with myself, especially when I am disappointed or uncomfortable.

IIt made me think about what it means for me to be a good friend. I know that both actions and words matter. Showing up. Helping out. Being there when it counts. Speaking with kindness. And yet, while I am careful with both when it comes to others, I seem to lose sight of that same standard with myself.

So why do I accept that kind of mismatch?

And more than that, why does it feel so natural? Do I equate self-berating with accountability? With penance? I don’t yet know the answer or where it started. That feels like something my therapist Lou-Anne and I will eventually unpack. We have a list.

What I am learning as I pursue mental wellness is that healthier patterns require intention. Awareness alone does not make a behaviour disappear. I wish it did.

Negative self-talk has been showing up even more as I work to untangle my codependent patterns. I am trying, imperfectly, to rescue less. To step back. To let people carry what is theirs. And I am witnessing real growth when I do.

You would think that would feel celebratory.

Instead, the first voice to show up is often a scolding one. Why didn’t you address this sooner? How did you not see this before?

That voice has been around for a long time, and I am not under the illusion that it is going anywhere anytime soon. What I am noticing is the effort it takes to soften it. To intentionally turn the volume down. To allow myself a moment of pride for the growth that is happening.

I have even started writing these moments down, giving them a kind of permanence. On this day, I held a boundary. On this day, I said no to something that did not serve me instead of defaulting to people pleasing. My journal already has an impressive archive of my perceived shortcomings. It felt fair to balance the books.

Ironic, isn’t it? In the middle of learning to stop over-caring for others, I am often the least generous with myself.

I do not have a neat ending for this. Just an observation that the voice I use with myself does not always match the care I believe I offer the world. And that this is something I am actively trying to self-correct.

If any of this feels familiar, let me borrow my friend’s words for a moment.

Hey. That’s my friend you’re talking about. And I’m not okay with you speaking to them like that.