How to hug a porcupine?

Before my kids were born I had thought out my parenting strategy. Being a “spirited” child, I had this idea that as a parent if I could be open and my child knew their opinions mattered then the rest would fall into place. We may not agree but you’ll always have a voice and I’ll listen. We all want to feel understood.

Although my strategy was a solid one. I forgot the one thing that I wanted more than anything as a kid which was to be seen as an independent person separate from my parents.

I can admit openly and honestly that I can be a micro-manager with my son, he's my oldest child. I often remind and keep watch so nothing falls off the radar. My son is at the age where I should be watching how all of my guidance pans out. To leave him to his own devices. This is the time to let him make mistakes and experience failure where at the end of the day he has a soft cushion to land. To do that I have to step back and that is the hardest part.

From the time our kids are born we are guiding, teaching and always protecting. It’s hard to stop.

When your child goes off to school they are fully cooked. You have given them the goods, you have infused your values, beliefs and idiosyncrasies into them. My role as a parent is to hand over the wheel.

This past month has been a tough one. My son had 8 months on his own. He revelled in his space. I can appreciate that not having me remind him to complete tasks and keep his room clean along with all the other “annoying mom things” was a welcome reprieve. I too had 8 months that I didn’t need to be as "intense". What I've realized is my son needs his space and I need mine. I want him to be wild and free but in a place where I don’t come down to his dirty dishes.

I share this story as I’m not ashamed that this is how we are going to have our best relationship.

I also share this with any other parent who feels like they failed because coexisting under the same roof was hard. There’s no such thing as one-way liberation. Our society is a place where victories are celebrated and the angst that came before is a story that rarely gets told. Let me be one who shares the angst- it's ok, it's normal and our parenting victories will be that much sweeter when we speak our truth.

So how do you hug a porcupine? when the quills are down.

But be sure to pad yourself. Navigating these years will get prickly and we’re bound to get quilled from time to time.